Bad Hearing
A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"


The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."


He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"


She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!"

Dog Calls

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one
morning at four forty four AM by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said his angry neighbor.

Bernard thanked the caller politely.

The next morning at precisely four forty four AM Bernard called his
neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

Cold water
 

A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend.

He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.


He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.

So the young man shrugged and started eating.


The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit like dog.

Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"Clean as cold water can get it" was the reply again.

The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.


As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.

"Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!" shouted the old man from inside.

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
" Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours,
but I never told them anything !! "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between people
who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was young I used to pray for a bike,
then I realized that God doesn't work that way,
so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 A little boy went up to his father and asked :
" Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from ? "
His father replied :  " Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,because I still have mine. "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying :
"Paul seems to be a very bright boy,
but spends too much of his time thinking about girls. "
The mother wrote back the next day :
" If you find a solution, please advise.
I have the same problem with his father ! "
-----------------------------------hehehehehe-------------------------

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
 
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
 
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
 
The voice from the other side responded:
 
"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
 
"No" replied the trainee.
 
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
 
The trainee shouted back:
 
"And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
 
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
 
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....
 
 
*************************************

*  They got off the Titanic first.

* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

* They have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

* They don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

* They get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

* Their boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in girls.

* Men die earlier, so they get to cash in on the life insurance.

* Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... ( You got the point? ).

* They can hug their friends without wondering if she thinks they're gay.

* They can hug thier friends without wondering if They'RE gay!

* They can congratulate their team-mate without ever touching her butt.

* They never have to reach down every so often to make sure their privates are still there.

--------------------------------------------------------
:Chicken story
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock :O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might. Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

--------------------------------------------------------
Math's Teacher: If you have
12 Chocolates and you
Give 5 to Chalene,
3 to Anne and
4 to Erin
Then what will u get????

Student: 3 New Girlfriends Mam!!!


--------------------------------------------------------

Some humorus sign ads
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... cheap...........no strings attached.

Ad.. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative.  More The Success, More The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar: "Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance."

Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They  are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother !
----------------------------------------------------
how old am I?
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

M y whole day
I t keeps me and my
L ife healthy n fresh
O lympic is not a big deal when I got a cup of Milo
Chamm Lex
† ÇĦĂΜΜ ŁΞЖ †

MONKEY IN THE PLANE
Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.
Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Tying their belts'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Checking the system'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Looking for my people'

Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'

Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'

Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Make up'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Nothing'

Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'All were sleeping'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'

Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!

No more Questions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------

MEANING OF SOME WORDS
So long I never realize I don't know the real
 Meaning of family..........
 Here Is The Answer ...........
FAMILY  Means
Father
And
Mother
I I
Love
You
 --------------------------------------------------------------

WHY does a man want to have a WIFE?
 Because:
Washing
Ironing
Food
Entertainment
 --------------------------------------------------------------

 WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
 Because:
(H)ousing
(U)nderstanding
(S)haring
(B)uying
(A)nd
(N)ever
(D)emanding
 --------------------------------------------------------------

 Do you know that a simple "HELLO" can be a sweet one?
 specially from your love one. (I mean not only from the boyfriend/girlfriend).
 The word HELLO means :
(H)ow are you?
(E)verything all right?
(L)ike to hear from you
(L)ove to see you soon!
(O)bviously, I miss you...

--------------------------------------------------------------

At dawn the telephone rings.  "Hello, Master  Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a  problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot  died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the  one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh
well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat?  Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of  the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones  that you had, sir. They died from all that
work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the  fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at  your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What  the.....!!!But there’s electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
--------------------------------------------------------------

Genealogy
A little girl asked her mother,
'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered,
'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered,
'Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
--------------------------------------------------------------

Friends of Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night.
So she tells her husband the very next morning,
that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight.
So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and
none of them confirmed that she was with them.


Friends of Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night.
So he tells his wife the very next morning,
that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirmed that
he stayed at their apartments that night and
another 5 claimed that he is still with them!!
--------------------------------------------------------------


A lady asks her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, 'Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?'
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry.
'Where the hell have you been?
''Well, honey, it's like this.
I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.
I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.
''Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... 'You're a liar!You were playing pool again!'     

[grab from da Internet]

.

My life is Just a few words
buh u made a song using those words
n u put a melody for dat song
then my life became a ur song
which u whisper to my heart by your eyes
then i realiz ,
im still alive coz i hear ur voice
-[HAMM LEX-

 With You - Chris Brown
I need you boo
I gotta see you boo
And there's hearts all over the world tonight
Said there's hearts all over the world tonight
I need you boo
I gotta see you boo
And there's hearts all over the world tonight
Said there's hearts all over the world tonight

Hey lil mama, ooh you're a stunner
Hot little figure, yes you a winner, and
I'm so glad to be yours
You're a class of your own and
Ooh little cutie, when you talk to me
I swear the whole world stops
You're my sweetheart and
I'm so glad that you're mine
You are one of a kind, and
You mean to me what I mean to you
And together baby there is nothing we won't do

'Cause if I got you
I don't need money
I don't need cars
Girl you're my heart

And oh, I'm into you and
Girl no one else would do
With every kiss and every hug
You make me fall in love
And now I know I can't be the only one
I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of their life who feel
What I feel when I'm with you, with you, with you, with you, with you... girl
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you... Oh girl

I don't want nobody else
Without you there's noone left, and
You're like Jordans on Saturday
I gotta have you and I cannot wait now
Hey lil shorty, say you care for me
You know I care for you
You know that I will be true
You know that I won't lie
You know that I will try
Be your everything

'Cause if I got you
I don't need money
I don't need cars
Girl you're my heart

Oh, I'm into you and
Girl no one else would do
With every kiss and every hug
You make me fall in love
And now I know I can't be the only one
I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of their life who feel
What I feel when I'm with you, with you, with you, with you, with you... ohhh
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you... Yeah

And I will never try
To deny that you are my whole life
'Cause if you ever let me go
I would die so I won't run
I don't need another woman
I just need you or nothing
'Cause if I got that
Then I'll be straight
Baby you're the best part of my day

I need you boo
I gotta see you boo
And there's hearts all over the world tonight
Said there's hearts all over the world tonight
They need their boo
They gotta see their boo
Said there's hearts all over the world tonight
Hearts all over the world tonight

And oh, I'm into you and
Girl no one else would do
With every kiss and every hug
You make me fall in love
And now I know I can't be the only one
I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight
With the love of their life who feel
What I feel when I'm with you, with you, with you, with you, with you... ohhh(girl)
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you... ohhh
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you...
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you...
Baby yeah

 You Belong To Me - Lifehouse

see the pyramids around the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while
you belong to me

see the marketplace in old Angier
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears
you belong to me

and I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too

fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again
you belong to me

oh I'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too

fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again
you belong to me

 Goodbye - Lifehouse
take you and
slow down
drown your sorrows in a bowl of pain now
you've got the confidence
you have the smile
fool everybody even yourself for awhile

so take your suffering
and be done with you
I am sorry I can't come there with you
so pack your pain in a suitcase full of lies
I guess this is where we say goodbye

oh I'm so complicated
I was so torn
between two lies don't

you said you're growing up and
what you became
I think I changed into a different version of the same

so take your suffering
and be done with you
I am sorry I can't come there with you
so pack your pain in a suitcase full of lies
I guess this is where we say goodbye


was the last time you bring me down
nothing's the same
now that you're not around
everything has changed
now that you're not around

so take your suffering
and be done with you
I am sorry I can't come there with you
so pack your pain in a suitcase full of lies
I guess this is where we say goodbye
I guess this is where we say goodbye
I guess this is where we say goodbye

 
too late to hide
and too tired to care
take what you've left
and forget the rest
take what you see
of what's left of me
you know where I've been
and I don't want to go there again

you're beautiful
you're confusing
you're illogical
you're amazing
and I've seen the world
it's overrated
until you're everything
I have nothing
but empty space

I've been down
this road before
all that I've found
points me right back to you
and I've watch you move
from down below
where do I go from here
I guess I'll find out as I go

you're beautiful
you're confusing
you're illogical
you're amazing
and I've seen the world
it's overrated
until you're everything
I have nothing
but empty space

you're beautiful
you're confusing
you're illogical
you're amazing
and I've seen the world
it's overrated
until you're everything
I have nothing
until you're everything
I have nothing
but an empty space


 empty space -

 Somebody Elses Song - Lifehouse

Can't change this feeling
I'm way out of touch
I can't change this meaning
It means too much
Ive Never been this lonely
Ive never felt so good
I Can't be the only one misunderstood
Cos I remind myself of somebody else
<b style="color:black;background-color:#ffff66">I'mFeeling</b> like I'm chasing
Like I'm facing myself alone
Well I've got somebody else's thoughts in my head
I want some of my own
I want some of my own
I want some of my own
Can you see me up here
Would you bring me back down
Cause I've been living to see my fears
As they fall to the ground
Cos I remind myself of somebody else
I'm Feeling like I'm chasing
Like I'm facing myself alone
I've got somebody else's thoughts in my head
I want some of my own
I want some of my own
I want some of my own
Am I hiding behind my doubts
Are they hiding behind me
Closer to finding out
It doesn't mean anything
Well I remind myself of somebody else now
<b style="color:black;background-color:#ffff66">I'mFeeling</b> like I'm chasing
Like I'm facing myself alone
Well I've got somebody else's thoughts in my head
I want some of my own
I want some of my own
I want some of my own

 Better Luck Next Time - Lifehouse
Sometimes we fall
Ain't nothing new to me
Don't care move on
I'm a song you gave, up for this child now

Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn't there
You're going under
But you're over it all so you don't care about all that I had to see
Watch you wait until you come around
Around

Don't close your eyes
You need to see it all
It's no surprise
That they break you down
Least they won't give you up

Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn't there
You're going under
But you're over it all so you don't care about all that I had to see
Watch you wait until you come around

It's all wonderful
Living happily
To lose it all
Think you have everything

Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn't there
You're going under
But you're over it all so you don't care about all that I had to see
Watch you wait until you come around
Around

Stop tell me where you going
Maybe the one you love isn't there
You're going under
But you're over it all so you don't care about all that I had to see
Watch you wait until you come around
Around

 From Where You Are - Lifehouse
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
So far away from where you are
Standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here